Houston, we have a blow out... and the culprit thinks she is hilarious!

...When I first admitted to myself that I needed help with my depression I had been out of high school for a year and I had just ended a long drawn out relationship with my high school boyfriend.  I thought I loved him and wanted to marry him, but my faith kept me from crossing that line and leaving everything I held so dear behind.  We had multiple discussions about marriage, but for me that would mean my goal from childhood to marry in the House of the Lord would never happen and my plans to have an eternal marriage and family would by set aside for something that ends at death.

After the breakup I went through a whirlwind of emotions as my life seemed to be spiraling out of control.  I felt like things would NEVER get better and I would NEVER find another guy who loved me as much as this one had. The worst part it, I thought the worst in absolutly everything.  I became so helpless that my co-worker literally dragged me to the doctor I work for and insisted he give me something for my depression.... I was given a medication to help regulate my emotions.  Luckily I got a grip on life and was only on them for a few short months

... I found out while on vacation in Minnesota in August of 2008 that my parents were separating after 20 years of what I thought was a perfect marriage.  Being thousands of miles away from home and hearing this life altering news was devastating for me, let alone my little brothers who still lived at home.  Once I got back to Utah, I counseled almost weekly with my bishop for peace, forgiveness, love and acceptance towards my parents and their situation. 

It took almost a year, but I was able to heal through the atonement of Jesus Christ through the help and guidance of the Holy Ghost and my bishop. I still have days when I think of how things used to be when we were a family... I wish the divorce hadn't happened at all, but I have come to terms with it and I love both of my parents, regardless of their short comings.

The comment has been made to me on more than one occasion since my parents divorce that I handle my depression very well.  I have accepted what is in my past and I am leaving it- in the past.  The most important part of it all to me is: I still have healthy relationships with BOTH of my parents even though there are naysayers who think I should love one over the other (that is the miracle of forgiveness and if they aren't willing to forgive, they can answer to that in the end).  I am still friends with my ex-boyfriend. I don't keep in touch with him anymore, but I want the best for him because he deserves someone who loves him and would do anything for him.

...I bring all of this up because my mom told me after Peyton was born that if a woman who has had children tries to tell me they haven't suffered from some form of post partum depression, they are lying. Being one who has a long family history of depression and has dealt with it personally I knew all too well what I was experiencing after Peyton was born.

Dave was really worried before Peyton came along that I would need to seek extra help outside of what he could provide me as my priesthood holder. I am so grateful I have not had any major struggles. The first few weeks after we brought her home were hard, but I had a teammate to counsel with 24/7 who is always willing to give me a priesthood blessing if I asked.

Peyton will be two months tomorrow and each day presents different trials, but I try to find the simple things to make me smile if I am feeling down.  For example: Peyton woke up this morning and as I was lifting her out of her cradle I glanced in the mirror and noticed a large pool of yellow nastiness on the back of her sleeper.  This is where the title for this blog came from. All I could think was, "Houston, we have a blow out..." and all Peyton did when I told her she had poop on her back was smile. Hence the, " and the culprit thinks she is hilarious!"

My life is full of amazing miracles... why shadow the happiness with clouds of doubt and unsurity.



My reasons to be happy each day